Into the dreamy state of yesterday

down the rabbit hole …

… right into the great jaws of excitement. And with such longing! That state is not for everyone mind you, and definitely not all the time, there is a risk of addiction to that condition. You know Alice, she was an adrenaline junkie. 

I don’t know how it is for others, but waking up from a state of bliss, is like falling behind on the ending of a love story. What happened? Why? Was that all? What now? What is to become of me now? Was i cheated on the desert of the story? (Maybe it’s just not time yet). Patience is a virtue it is said. Well then, i am not virtuous. 

So this void opens up and it’s filled to the brim (yes i realize the contradiction), with the waiting for something. 

This is when i put myself on a train (preferably a plane, but circumstances do not permit such adventures), and just go. Being on a journey physically just puts a whole different velocity to it. Yes the journey is on the inside, but my god! you ain’t going anywhere, without you, anyways, so why not make the journey count for something else, something more. 

The peace of mind i am blessed with when i leave, is like Alice’s satisfaction of attaining daily impossible things. Solitude (doesn’t mean alone, although it helps , and sometimes it is necessary). This is when the coffee speaks to me, lingering on my tongue, this is when the words flow out of my fingers effortlessly, when the faces of all human beings look familiar, and i have that special connection to the cat in the corner, that i will not pat.

The story of my life, has been, and more often than not, i realize still is, a search for belonging. I am never quite sure, absolutely certain, if i am in the right place or if i might be cast away at any moment, or run away. Maybe such is the feeling of many, i don’t know, maybe i am so conditioned to turn towards myself for safety and to others for hand (occasionally being offered one, but again not sure for how long). I love Me, this i am completely sure of. I am my best friend and my worst enemy, if i don’t get out of my way from time to time. Being confused is not a trait of mine. It’s just there on the inside as a means of alertness, like an exclamation mark. When it becomes too loud, i go. Sometimes even before the confusion starts chattering. I go. I need to walk a few steps away from it.

I need the Rabbit hole, the questions it offers, the diversity of strengtheners and the illusion of choice (i do believe there is a choice, although i also believe the chosen choice is embedded in the framework and ready to offer itself). I am a freedom junkie. 

don’t ask for much. But then again. How much is enough? What is enough? What is contentment if not in the company of freedom and at the end of the journey through a rabbits hole?

// Alex 

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