Oh please, not another 2018 recap…
One f*ck'n roller coaster.
A summery of 2018? Really? Should i? It's mostly an emotional blur. But of course, some events are still crystal clear. Some experiences, i don't quite want to let go of (will i ever?) Friendships found, relationships strengthened, others broken or changed forever. Everything is in relationship, constantly connected, if not physically, then by thought, dreams, hopes, foolishness ...
The intensity of this year is beyond what i can apprehend at this moment. Still, i'm in the roller-coaster of transformations and transitions, although it might be slowing down slightly. I wish i could say that i have achieved something awesomely great, something worthwhile, but unfortunately... I can't quite say i have. At least not in the manifest world. It's been a year of much deconstruction and demolition. But ... maybe it's too soon to say. I've been occupied with my pain and wishfulness, searching for saviors.
I've written much about pain, longings and passion. Being in solitude, lures out the demons, being in solitude creates delusions if no support is close by to keep you grounded. Being in solitude, brings you close to your (disturbed) self, willingly or not. I have always spoken about how the practice of yoga introduces us to all our beautiful and ugly sides, showing us exactly who we are. Solitude, does the same. You have nowhere to hide, all you can do is accept and learn from that which comes up. You're asked to obey. The follow through on the insights is the hardest. Nike's Just Do It campaign is not helpful here.
Looking through some notes and texts, i came across this poem-ish thingy that i wrote in september, i think. A couple of months later, still working through the shame and holding on to the vision of something greater:
You should know...
a memory sill tethered to my skin. A touch, an embrace locked away in the darkness of my longings.
Admiration from afar
Shameful and shameless is the passionate.
I thought you should know.
I've touched upon greatness, and lost it. I've held awesomeness in my embrace and suffocated along with it. I've seen and experienced mysteries throughout the year, that i have never been in touch with before, not quite knowing what to do with them. I've pushed myself to the limits. I've surrendered and cracked open at each seem, as it seems.
I've lost, and found and lost and found. Hurt, been hurt and healing. Once remembered, desired, now forgotten, that part, is one difficult experience. I've changed skins, been brought to my knees, emotionally, financially, creatively, energetically ...
And still, weirdly, i'm grateful for all of it, i feel blessed actually. It's absurd, but it's the truth. I've become stronger in all possible ways and charging forth, although just now, i'm beat. I've changed paths, ended relationships, started new ones.
In the midst of it all, they emerged. The Superheroes who've been watching closely and who've stayed close to my (at times closed) heart. They shone on me, held my hand (sometimes literally), they fueled me. They inspired me, up-close and from afar. It is said that in difficult times, you know who your friends are. Well, that is the truth. You do, and you also know who to release.
I've learned one thing for sure. Nobody puts Baby in the corner! A reminder from a one of my superheroes.
So yes. Thank you, but enough now. It's been a cool experience, but i'm exhausted. I'm exhaling this year into history, and i will breathe in the freshness of new intentions and blessings.
Good judgement (integrity) comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from making lousy choices. There's a ring of karma to it.
May i stay close to my passionate heart and never lose my wild side. But i do ask for a clearer vision and wiser choices this time around.
Thank you. And so long.