Shedding skin and a shot of adrenaline
Transformation has no mercy.
When the floodgates open, there's no stopping the force of movement. She comes right at you. Either you plunge in and go with the flow, or you resist and go under.
This is what you asked for, they say. The Universe is always responding. I'm an academic. My esoteric side is present and highly active, but i'm too often questioning it. Quite often i am in resistance with the flow, trying to bargain with the Universe, Ultimate Consciousness, Awareness ... God. Whatever you want to call this all pervading Force. Hmm, it just crossed my mind, what a stupid idea. Who bargains with the forces of Nature? Only the fool (and unfortunately there is no shortage of fools on this Earth).
I believe in cultivating awareness, through openness and presence. This is what i believe. I believe in Awe, in being inspired by forces larger then our understanding of them. I believe, transformation is like the shedding of skin and that it doesn't seldom happen without a fair amount of pain. I believe, as the song goes, Pain makes you a believer. At what point, have we grown past our boundaries and resistances? Past our conditionings and identities created by the world? When do we call ourselves truly Free?
Can we become addicted to transformation? To the workings and churning of it?
Breathe, i say. Just breathe through it.
Just keep breathing! they said. Alex, are you still with us? Lying half unconscious on the floor, sweeting, cold, shaking, and thinking, I don't have time for this! i recall, from the outside, the rambling of voices, was mine one of them? I had been struggling with some sort of allergic reaction that had taken over my body - unknown apparent cause. It had been going on for a month (the physical manifestation that is), but worsened just before this incident. I believe the worsening came as a direct response to a disruption on my integrity. Yes it sounds weird and crazy - like witchcraft. But peoples’ energy can be truly disturbing.
A shot of adrenaline in my thigh and a cocktail of chemicals later i was in an ambulance rushing towards the ER.
I was exhausted. Tiered in a way i hade never been before. Blood tests showed nothing but normal. There was no failure. Nothing was wrong. Everything, was as it should be. Have you been through any trauma? Any major changes? they asked. Have I? Where shall i start?
I had been asking for a significant transformation for so long, and I had been resisting change. Yes what was happening now was all physical but where do emotional frustrations and traumas take place? How does a fed up, frustrated Heart speak to you, if not through your body? We evolve in accordance to the pain of transformation. Don't we? Softening that tight grip, might take time and effort.
Lies, identity crises and recollection, abuse, denials, separation, heartache, rejection, divorce, shaken foundations, resistance, exclusions, isolation, old traumas, re-membering and re-assembling my Self. Surrendering to Grace. Exhale. This has been, is, quite an effort, years, culminating in these last few months.
I am immensely grateful for the steadiness and ease i know i carry with me. And for the gift of not getting what i want when i desire it. Although some respite would be nice!
My body is recovering, quite quickly now actually, which is, well, strange. I'm still shedding. I'm listening for my calling, and my vision still has to settle in the eye of my mind. I have no idea what tomorrow's intentions are. I know what i wish for though. And in the midst of it all, i feel free. Maybe it's the soothing colors of autumn, the exhale of Nature, a reminder of the necessary death of what was, so that a rebirth might occur, like a shot of adrenaline when all systems are vitally failing. How convenient. As my skin regains her softness, and my body regains her strength, I am required to bow and obey. You can't bargain with the Force. But you can be open to receive it, surrender to it, and allow it to lead. How fascinating, this journey is.
I'm not there yet. I'm an academic, struggling with the mystery. I'm still learning, surrendering to the wonders of Life.